Monday, November 10, 2014

How to treat people who pay you

I like Google Apps; in principle and execution, it gets the basics right - well. But there are four simple questions I’d love a human being to answer, and good luck trying to get any human being at Google to read your mail.



(HINT Googlers’ : the reason you suck in selling to Enterprise isn’t because your products are technically bad, its because you can’t get hold of a human being because you make it too damn difficult to do so in spite of the fact that I’m goddamn paying you more than a bunch of douchey teenagers creating burner GMail accounts. And when I do eventually get through your convoluted PIN-based process to speak to a human, the line quality is so bad because you’ve outsourced it to some BPO with shitty VoIP that I simply give up)



Those four questions are;

  1. Why don’t you offer a managed DNS service to Apps customers, in spite of the fact that you have Google DNS product which is only available via a python API ? Holy <insert favorite religious incantation here> guys, come on - you’re not going to appeal to any SME / SMB if you don’t offer DNS hosting easily
  2. Why when I’m able to migrate my Google+ profile from my private GMail account to my Apps account, can I not also migrate my custom URL ? Because holy salty balls (to misquote South Park), you can’t have your desired custom URL because hey, guess what, your old profile has it. Also, thanks for making it REAL easy to migrate, and thanks SO much for making the instructions so easy and intuitive. Here’s the goddamn link, because its not easy to find.
  3. Why when you’re adding such cool and usable features to Google+ like Stories do you exclude paying Apps customers from sharing the content from their Drive folders ? Great way to ramp up adoption to the Apps-based environment if the free one has more features. Wait a minute, have you become brain dead and hired some Microsoft or Oracle people because you think they understand the Enterprise business ? Thats like getting the Catholic Church (Congrats to the new Pope BTW; he seems seriously awesome) to branch out into day care centers. Microsoft and Oracle people are the only people on this earth who would be able to charge you for an inferior product when the free one has more features and is, oh wait for it, free ?
  4. You launch cool products and services that, wait for it, aren’t usable by your paying customers. What a great way to garner support.